So far, so good

As of this very moment, I am 26 years young. While most are quick to agree that 26 is not old at all, I am of the frame of mind that you are only as old as you think you are - and I intend to think 'young' for as long as I'm able. Youth is appealing for many reasons; there is a confidence in youth that seems to dwindle with life's various experiences. But I don't want to remain youthful on the outside - I want to remain youthful on the inside. I want to always view the world with wonder and curiosity, I don't want to become bitter or close myself off from the world. Afterall, as John Galt once said:

"Live & act within the limit of your knowledge & keep expanding it to the limit of your life."

So today I was thinking about certain things about my life that I'm not exactly happy with, mainly my financial situation (and partially my romantic life). Basically, I never seem to have enough money. Just when I start to get ahead, some unexpected expense pops up and sets me back again. How am I supposed to get out of debt enough to save for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, or at least enough to get approved for a loan to attend, when I can't pay it off as soon as I want? It's been a point of minor despair for me the past year or so.

But despite the less than ideal circumstance I am currently in, I know they will pass just as quickly as I allow them to. And I can't help but think about all the great shit that I've done with my life thus far.

I'm only 26 years old, and I've already moved half way across the country from Kansas to California, leaving behind everything I knew & loved to be in a new & challenging environment. I walked away from a 5.5 yr relationship & began my own life, relying on my independence to keep me afloat and save my ass. I dated a bass player & discovered a connection with another person that I never could have imagined. I had my heart broken... again. I signed with a non-exclusive agency & tried my hand at modeling. This particular experience isn't over for me yet, but it's connected me with so many wonderful people and given me so many opportunities & experiences that I am humbled & grateful for. I've traveled to Canada several times, and soon I will be going to England for the 2nd time & Ireland for the first time. I've been introduced to mind-blowing ideas and concepts about the world we live in, for which I am so very thankful. I've acknowledged my own spirituality and the journey I am on in this life. I've fallen in love with Bikram Yoga and realized that my heart belongs in the Cascade mountain range. I've taken solo road trips up the coast of California to Oregon, seen the Redwood trees, partied in Vegas and Hollywood, and still remained true to my country roots. I started my own business a few months ago, and am optimistic it will help supplement my financial woes.

I have loved and been loved, but not always at the same time. I've forged new friendships with amazing people, and strengthened old ones. I've removed the people who cause drama from my life. I've gotten up at the crack of dawn, and stayed up to see the sun rise. I've ridden horses, herded cattle, bucked bales, and learned the value of manual labor outside. I've been initiated in the ancient art of Kriya Yoga by a Master, I've pushed myself further than I thought possible. I've been alone and loved it, and I've felt lonely in a crowded room. I have LIVED.... but it's far from over.

When I stop to think about it, I've done quite a lot in my short time on this earth so far. Other people have done more - other people have done other things - but I have done what I have done, seen what I have seen, and felt what I have felt. And I will keep doing & seeing & learning & feeling. My journey is my own, not any one else's. At the end of the day, and this journey, I will only have myself to answer to & satisfy, and so far I am happy to be me.

So far, so good....

Remember

"...but people are smart, they can handle it..."

"No, a person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, stupid animals - and you know this"

-Soon to be Agent J & Agent K, MiB

Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.

Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else.

When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last.

Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

=========
This was an email sent to me by DailyOM.com. Those who know me, know that I needed to hear this. So I thought I'd share.

Elephant Shit

This is an email that I sent to a friend of mine. It precisely expresses what I feel at this point in time (and copy/paste is SO convenient).

---

Lately - actually ESPECIALLY after the Icke talk - I've been much more aware of day-to-day things. And this joke of a pandemic that is the swine flu, coupled with people such as your singer claiming "we've won!!" 'cos a dark-skinned body is now CEO of the corporation that is America is super frustrating and heart-breaking at the same time.

Yesterday, I was editing an article on Uranium in drinking water, and when I did an image search for "uranium" - with the objective of finding an image of a chunk of uranium - I stumbled across images documenting the physical effects on humans who are exposed to DU (depleted uranium). I wanted to cry. And nobody seems to notice these outrageous crimes against humanity... nobody seems to care...

I've been examining my own short life, and am increasingly thankful for many different things. I listen to Conspirituality during my 40 min drive to and from work, and it keeps David's points fresh in my mind. I know that anger won't solve anything, but the shit that's going down still disturbs me. The blindness, complacency, and acceptance by the masses is maddening. Once you acknowledge that you're capable of so much more than these limitations that have been placed on you and that there is a life outside the cave you've been forced to live in... how can you go back?? Not that I want to.

I know I'm preaching to the chior at this point. I'm frustrated, and somewhat numb to the idiocy & ignorance - and complete lack of interest in the TRUTH - that surfaces everywhere around me: in every industry, every facet, every conversation / discussion / show / blah blah blah.

There is so much to be thankful for - so many good things to focus on, but that doesn't mean ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room. And that pachyderm just took an elephant-sized-shit right on the table.

---

Check out these links, if you're so inclined:

David Icke: www.davidicke.com
Conpirituality - the realest hip-hop artists in the game today: http://www.myspace.com/conspirituality

Phoenix!

Got to Phoenix at a sweet 1am, after getting pulled over by CHP in the last 10 mile stretch of Cali for getting clocked going 85mph in a 70 zone.... and drove off with a fix-it ticket for my license plate bulb being burnt out.

My best friend Nikki and I were both wearing our glasses and looked like a pair of nerds. I think it was the glasses that sealed the deal.

After we've jumped on our hotel beds, now it's off to partake in some AWESOME continental breakfast and then to the Orpheum to absorb the incredible knowledge that Mr. David Icke is going to bestow. Hell fucking yeah! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now... :)

breathe

...people are people and sometimes we change our minds
but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...

and we know it's never simple - never easy
but you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
  -Robert Frost

It's an emotional process to acknowledge the passing of a great & beautiful thing. But lately, I've come to realize that letting go doesn't mean pretending like that wonderful occurrence never happened. Letting go is really about appreciating those good times, and the existence of the spectacular connection that used to be there.

There's a lesson I'm supposed to learn here. Maybe it's that I'm supposed to be strong; maybe it's that it's ok to grieve when you've been wounded; maybe it's not even my lesson to learn & my experience is just a by-product of that. Whatever it is, I can say with utmost certainty that no matter how much you care for someone, & no matter if they reciprocate that feeling, you should never let the fear of getting hurt stop you from being the loving person you are capable of being.

I found this quote last week, and it made me pause and think:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
- Wayne Dyer

True words right there. So, what does that say about me when I've let myself get taken advantage of for the majority of my young life? I honestly don't know.... but I do know that sometimes a 2nd chance can be all someone needs, that everyone has their own demons & doubts, and that the Universe knows exactly what it is doing.

I'm exhausted from asking myself questions that have no answers. And I feel foolish for letting myself believe that he could honestly care about me, that what I felt was mutual.

So, the current question is: what now? Well, I'll do the only thing I can do: love myself. Being sad gets old fast. Pretending like it never happened is dumb, too. Being resentful and bitter do nothing, and I don't want to go down that path anyway. I forgive him for whatever it is he's done, but now I have to focus my attention back to myself. This is always hard for me - I don't understand it, either. No one else has difficulty being selfish, but I've always been the exact opposite. I've always concentrated on what I can do for others (to avoid having to deal with myself???).

But ya gotta start sometime, right? So I'm going to try. Tonight I completed my 10th yoga class in a row, and I'm on my way to complete 101 consecutive classes. They say that the first 30 days of Bikram yoga is purely physical - it works on your cells, muscle memory, and realigning every part of your body. The next 30 days work thru your emotions and mental blocks, and the final 30 days are more spiritual. They say that at that point in time you're in the zone, and your body is changing, but you don't notice it. Therefore, I've dedicated 101 yoga classes to myself. 10 down, 91 to go!

Time will fix my heart - I won't become jaded or bitter. I always want to be full of light and love, and there's no way I'm ever going to lose that desire, no matter what feelings I may have for another, and no matter if they return it or not.

God, I'm such a girl right now....

Observation

So I'm trying to be cool and give him space, but I can't help but notice the change...the lack of interest.

The only thing in life I'm responsible for is myself - and I figure if I keep myself busy, then maybe I won't pick up on how phone calls are fewer and further between...how communication has decreased so drastically since March...how different things are from only a few months ago.

Sigh.

Maybe I just need to accept it and forget it. If he can't come out and say it with words, he damn sure has said it with actions (or lack thereof). It's just that rejection on any level is never pleasant. I don't want a ring or a mortgage for christ's sake - just affirmation of an interest and an effort to be with me - I just want to feel special. I thought I was worth that much. Now I just feel like "that girl" - the one who was stupid enough to think there was a genuine connection there when it's becoming more and more apparent that even if it was there, it's not anymore.

Whatever is wrong, I know it's not me, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.
I'm not trying to force it, either. Things will work out exactly as they're supposed to...

I'm a good girl, dammit!! I'm a one of a kind, and I know it. I'm a sweet soul, I'm laid back, low-maintenance, considerate, accepting, understanding, confident, smart, funny, and pretty. I don't make demands or give ultimatums, I don't sleep around, I get along with his friends and family, and I'm not jealous. In fact, I've never had a problem with his occupation. I know he has to travel, I know what his job entails, and it's fine - I've never wanted to change him at all because I like him just the way he is.

And I deserve someone who not only recognizes that I'm a cool chick, but who will make an effort every now and again. I'm a strong and unique woman, and I won't settle for less than what I deserve. (He used to make an effort...that's another fact I keep repeating to myself.)

It just sucks to endure so many shitty experiences in the past, and then to come so close to having such a wonderful thing with someone I could truly count as an equal, only to have it yanked away when you finally let yourself believe in it. I was guarded for over a year, and as soon as I let that guard down and let someone in, that's the about the time shit went south. And what a transition to make - from being so extremely close to maybe a phone call once a week...if I'm lucky.

Oh, Universe...what a sense of humor you have!

Don't think it's all "poor me" or "sad Risa." It's not like that....it's just a super frustrating and confusing situation. And being the optimist that I am, I know that if he wanted to be rid of me completely he wouldn't call at all. But if I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, I also know that if he was really interested, he'd call more often - maybe even make a trip to SD for a day or two.

No matter though. This country girl will keep on keepin' on. I'm not afraid of being alone - I've never been the girl who needed a guy to make everything alright, and I'm damn sure not going to start now. Throughout it all, I will always have me, and I'm proud of the person I am - I can't wait to see the person I will become. Nothing's going to hold me back or make me jaded. I am my own light, and if I'm going to see where my path is going, I need to shine as brightly as I can!

Is this for real?

Just got home from a modeling agency audition in Corona. And I got it.

Wow.

A month ago I was a wreck: crying, worrying about money, not able to pay the bills, thinking I'd have to resign my endeavors on the west coast for good and move in with one of my family members. But now...damn! In the past week I've started my new full time job in Carlsbad, and now I'm a signed model.

Wow.

Modeling has never been a life-long dream of mine. In fact, what I really wanted to pursue when I moved out here was acting, but modeling was suggested to me quite often. "You have gorgeous eyes, you should be a model." "You're really beautiful. Are you a model? Why not?" So I thought I'd give it a shot and see where it takes me. If there was any money to be made or anything to be gained from modeling, then it might be worth a shot, right? Then I realized how competitive both industries are. And since I've never had a free ride, free rent, or free food, I've had to work to pay my dues, which leaves very little time for networking and a small window of a few hours each day/evening that I'd be available for a modeling gig or a play/movie rehearsal. The people who make it big in modeling or acting have the time to dedicate open days and weeks to their art - and a flexible schedule to boot. I've had neither, but lately I've been pressing ahead in the modeling field, using Model Mayhem / Craigslist / MySpace to apply for work. And now I'm signed??? Never in my dizziest daydreams could I have foreseen this...

Now I've got a job & an agency - my money problems will clear up fast. And once my debt is absolved (all loans public and private), I've got big plans for this little girl!!

• get a road bicycle to go with my mountain bike
  
• save up $$$ for Bikram Yoga teacher training. After I'm a certified instructor, I want to get a job at a local studio to start. My ultimate goal is to have my own studio one day, and I want to be good enough so that I can guest teach at studios around the world when I travel for vacation.
  
• get a motorcycle and learn how to ride it
• move to Oregon and buy a truck (Tacoma, 4WD). I'm also going to get a dog and name her Gypsy.
  
• read all the books that have been in my queue for years
• go hiking and camping more often
• hone my survival skills
  
• finish teaching myself HTML/CSS/XHTML coding, and once I master that then I'll start teaching myself PHP & Pearl. With those skillz, I can start marketing myself as contract UI Developer & an Email Marketing Specialist. Then I can get some contract work and (cha-CHING!!) more money.
• play the stock market (after much analysis & research - both of which I'm currently doing)
  
• buy a ranch house/cabin, some land, and horses, and chickens. I've got even more plans for the land/ranch once I get it: a nice barn & tack room, a garden, a chicken coop, and maybe a prairie hay or alfalfa field....
  

There you have it, Internet - my hopes and dreams in a few bullet points. My plans & goals in life right at this moment. And you know what? I can TOTALLY accomplish all of it.

So, to sum up, there's been good things all around!! But my heart is still confused. I have a situation that is unique, to say the least. I don't know how to proceed with it - but there are some undeniable truths I do know for a fact. To be clear, this is more for me than for anyone else who happens to read this - I think I just need to actually write it out to really make it mean what it does. I have never wanted to change someone because I would NEVER want someone to ask me to be anyone other than myself. As Dr. Suess said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I think everyone should be who they are - be true to yourself! - because I'm always going to be me, and I won't conform to anyone's 'idea' of me. Ever. With that in mind, it's correct to say that I am who I am and I feel what I feel - I can't control that, I can't shut my emotions on or off on a whim.

Another bit of information I have to keep telling myself over and over and over again is that he can't miss me if I'm not gone. If I'm always available and always making an effort to someone who's not, how is that fair? Plain and simple: It's not. And if someone is going to miss me, they can't do it when I'm still calling or texting or emailing. I've been making the effort for too long now - and I'm not stupid - I can take a hint. He knows my number - he knows how to get ahold of me....and if he misses me, then he'll do something about it.

No matter what happens with this guy, or any other guy for that matter, I know that the only constant in my life is that I am me and I have a core of truth within myself & a path to walk. I will have the courage and the heart, the centered-ness, to follow my own path, to be who I am and love being who I am, no matter what. I will shine out and show the universe who I am, so that people who are looking for someone exactly like me can find me. I won't allow setbacks or even major betrayals to dampen my spirit. I am the center of my own life, and I am exactly as I need to be right now. I will always *always* shine my own light and walk my own path - and I will allow others to do the same.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand...

I Want To Hold Your Hand - All You Need Is Love
...The Beatles had the right idea...

I'm sure we can call agree that there is not enough Love in the world. Fear and Panic and Doubt seem to be the prominent emotions in society now-a-days. I myself have fallen victim to the latter emotions on more than one occasion. But once you find Love again, life is so much better in every aspect, and you can literally feel the Light conquering the Dark emotions.

We all know how much damage an insult or a malicious-filled-name can inflict. But think of how much a genuine compliment has lifted your spirits or flattered your soul??? There's enough negativity in this world today - there are too many people who thrive off misery and pain. We need to all focus on putting more Light and goodness into the world. When you make someone else feel better, it makes you feel better! And I really believe that it helps generate positive energy and puts good karma out into the universe.

Love isn't sexual. Love isn't about wanting to fuck someone. That's lust - that's attraction. Love is about goodness and kindness and acceptance and appreciation of life - and of finding the Good in other people.

To say that I love someone doesn't mean I want to marry them. I have a Love for myself, and for my friends, and for the world and humanity. If I were to say that I loved a guy, it's automatically assumed that I want a relationship with him or am looking to make him a life partner. I love plenty of men, and I have no intention of being intimate with any of them. Many of my friends are guys, and I love all of my friends. I love the men in my family the same way as I love the women in my life.

I do believe that there is a special kind of Love between two people, but what I'm trying to emphasize is that there is MORE than that one kind of popularized Love in the world, and we seem to have forgotten this.

Even if we are discussing that kind of Love, so many people think that sex = Love. Love is something much more fantastic than fornication. The Beatles said it best: Love is about wanting to hold your hand...to be a friend and a confidant to another human being...to be an emotional support and appreciating the person's faults.

One of my heroes, David Icke, once said during a talk I heard him give: "Love is not something you're in - it's something you are."
How true...

While I cannot dictate to another person how they should live their life, I know that I should be Love, and not worry about "finding" it - because All You Need Is Love...and the world needs it now, more than ever.