Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Look at me now

I always told myself I would never date a military man. Probably because of the first one I met when I moved to California. He was my then-boyfriend's roommate, and he was a scumbag sailor in the US Navy. I mean this guy sucked at life. He was the "friend" that always had the all-powerful bad influence over my boyfriend. Even at the time I knew that my boyfriend was just as much at fault for his own shitty behavior, yet I couldn't help but blame the loser & magnify his flaws. He used his friends, he lied, and he constantly cheated on his gorgeous girlfriend who thought the world of him. The few military guys that I met after this initial encounter did little to sway my first impression.

Fast forward about 5 years. Now I'm working in a country-themed bar, and that kind of establishment in a military town like San Diego has a tendency to attract all the displaced folks who were raised in a rural area. Namely military guys & gals. While working there, I was hit on more times that I care to count, and not because I'm pretty or funny or nice or honest. I was hit on because I was a girl in a bar. Plain & simple. Over the years I've heard plenty of pick-up lines, and just as many obscene attempts to hook-up. In total I was proposed to 9 times during my 2 years in that bar. ha! ha! Don't worry, I didn't take any of it seriously - my natural reaction was to laugh it all off. The lack of sincerity in romantic gestures in that atmosphere was palpable. But throughout my exposure to the Military Types, I did forge some lasting friendships with people who did not suck at life. And I had to admit to myself that they weren't all bad, but I still held fast to my resolution that I would never date a military man.

Present day:  I'm over a year into the best relationship of my entire life. I've found a man who is my match in every way, my very best friend, the love of my life... and he just happens to be a United States Marine. When I first met Joey I was actually bummed that he was active duty and I didn't think that a serious relationship was in the cards. But that's the thing about life - "Never say never." As fate would have it, I've fallen head over feet in love with this man. And with him, comes the military and the uncertainty that goes along with it. Right now we are more than half way through his 3rd deployment with the Marine Corps, but this is my first deployment as a girlfriend. I've seen friends deploy before & they seemed to return fairly quickly. In hindsight the last 5.5 months have gone by quickly and yet leisurely all at the same time. The distance has actually helped us grow closer together because it's helped to cement our already solid foundation. We lean on each other and turn towards each other with all of our issues. Most of all, we communicate. That's got to be one of my favorite things about Joey - we can honestly communicate with each other. I'm grateful beyond words that he found me.

With his homecoming right around the corner (2 months? 3 months?? more????) we are talking more and more about our future together. But guess what? The Marine Corps is calling all the shots. They will decide when he can come home, they will decide how much time he will have away from work, and they will decide when & where he will go next. Joey has told me about some orders that are looming on the horizon, and how he wants me to come with him. As much as I love him, I will gladly go where ever he may go, and that's looking more and more like it will be in North Carolina. Only time (and the Marine Corps) will tell when and where, but I will go anywhere with him.

Aside from the fantastic love I now have in my life, I'm also at the beginning of a solid career that I am passionate about. About 4 months ago I completed the Veterinary Technician program at Pima Medical Institute & graduated with an Associates of Applied Science. I'd be lying if I said that a college degree ain't a big deal. I worked hard for that piece of paper and it's a great feeling knowing that I set a goal and achieved it. Last month I passed the massively difficult Veterinary Technician National Exam (VTNE) which qualifies me to be licensed in the state. I'm one exam away from being a Licensed Registered Veterinary Technician!! This is a huge step forward in my field that will help me out down the road, especially if a cross-country move is in my future.

Contemplating where I currently am in life, looking back at where I've been, and anxiously awaiting what is ahead of me, I can't help but feel humbled and blessed. I really do try to live in the moment and not dwell too much on what I can't affect or alter, and so far that's made me pretty damn happy. So, here's to a new year, full of change. And here's to all the happiness, love, and light that I can emit into the Universe & allow to permeate my own existence.   <3 nbsp="" p="">

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Losing your Soul Mate is the best thing to happen to you

Dear god, how I wish I had written this.

I met my soul mate in 2007. We haven't seen each other since 2010.
I met my true love last year & we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

Reading this literally brought tears to my eyes. My god, how the heart feels and understands the complexities of life & love. 

The idea of finding a "soul mate" is associated with a complexity of emotion that is best described in the simplest of terms.

Being with your soul mate just makes sense.

When you find this person, you just know. It's an instant feeling of connection and security. This person fits so perfectly into your life, it's as if he or she had somehow been in it all along. This is someone you can't imagine being without — a person who has the ability to love you or break you.

It's a love so pure and so strong, it consumes you; a perpetual state of calming assurance that everything will be all right.

For some, this person will be a lifelong partner, but for others, it simply cannot be. Not all of us are meant to be with our soul mates because, sometimes, being in love simply isn't enough.

Letting go of a soul mate is among the hardest things you'll ever do. After all, letting go means you're willingly ignoring someone who brings you incomparable happiness. This person is a best friend and partner, who, up until the breaking point, knew you better than anyone you've ever known.

By letting go, you're also willingly accepting defeat, and with that, comes the crushing thought of having to start all over again. Though it may seem difficult to believe, the realization that it must end and actually ending it will be easy; it's forgetting that is the hardest part.

Forgetting routines and moments is hard. Forgetting how to get through a day without involving this person is hard. Forcing yourself to remember that the other person has his or her life and you have yours and that the two can continue existing without each other is hard.

From this point on, your lives will run parallel, but will no longer collide. Accepting that isn't easy. This is the hardest part because, despite this realization and despite ending it, the love still remains. It leaves you wondering, "Where does the love that you've built go when the relationship is over?"

Despite what you may believe, losing a soul mate will actually awaken your soul. It will leave you with the insight necessary to learn what you want out of your next relationship, with what you're willing to put up and with what you'll never deal again.

There are many lessons to be learned from losing your soul mate. The most important is the understanding that an all-encompassing love — the kind that swallows you whole — is not always the love you need. This kind of love can sometimes be a hindrance that holds you captive in a relationship, which may not be right in other aspects.

In simplest terms, a love that's meant to be, will be. The absence you feel upon its loss, however, will teach you a great deal about yourself. You'll learn a new kind of independence; it will teach you not to remake certain mistakes you made in the relationship.

Once you've learned all you can, you will reach a point where this soul mate will be nothing more than remnants of love left, with space cleared for new love to come. You may never have a greater love than this, but there certainly will be a better one. And, though time won't change the fact that this love existed, it will give you the experience to help move forward.

As time passes, you may meet someone with whom you intend to replicate lost love; then after, perhaps someone who stands for everything your ex was against. Though it will at first seem inconceivable, you'll eventually meet someone who possesses the attributes you once loved about someone else, but this new person won't leave you feeling empty.

This person won't make you cry; this person will understand you in a ways you never thought to consider and will appreciate all that you are and all that your relationship is and will be. This new person will do what the other failed to do. This new person will not choose to break you.

This new person will choose to love you, to mend you and to show you that by letting go of your soul mate, you paved the way for true love.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

So far, so good

As of this very moment, I am 26 years young. While most are quick to agree that 26 is not old at all, I am of the frame of mind that you are only as old as you think you are - and I intend to think 'young' for as long as I'm able. Youth is appealing for many reasons; there is a confidence in youth that seems to dwindle with life's various experiences. But I don't want to remain youthful on the outside - I want to remain youthful on the inside. I want to always view the world with wonder and curiosity, I don't want to become bitter or close myself off from the world. Afterall, as John Galt once said:
"Live & act within the limit of your knowledge & keep expanding it to the limit of your life."

So today I was thinking about certain things about my life that I'm not exactly happy with, mainly my financial situation (and partially my romantic life). Basically, I never seem to have enough money. Just when I start to get ahead, some unexpected expense pops up and sets me back again. How am I supposed to get out of debt enough to save for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, or at least enough to get approved for a loan to attend, when I can't pay it off as soon as I want? It's been a point of minor despair for me the past year or so.

But despite the less than ideal circumstance I am currently in, I know they will pass just as quickly as I allow them to. And I can't help but think about all the great shit that I've done with my life thus far.

I'm only 26 years old, and I've already moved half way across the country from Kansas to California, leaving behind everything I knew & loved to be in a new & challenging environment. I walked away from a 5.5 yr relationship & began my own life, relying on my independence to keep me afloat and save my ass. I dated a bass player & discovered a connection with another person that I never could have imagined. I had my heart broken... again. I signed with a non-exclusive agency & tried my hand at modeling. This particular experience isn't over for me yet, but it's connected me with so many wonderful people and given me so many opportunities & experiences that I am humbled & grateful for. I've traveled to Canada several times, and soon I will be going to England for the 2nd time & Ireland for the first time. I've been introduced to mind-blowing ideas and concepts about the world we live in, for which I am so very thankful. I've acknowledged my own spirituality and the journey I am on in this life. I've fallen in love with Bikram Yoga and realized that my heart belongs in the Cascade mountain range. I've taken solo road trips up the coast of California to Oregon, seen the Redwood trees, partied in Vegas and Hollywood, and still remained true to my country roots. I started my own business a few months ago, and am optimistic it will help supplement my financial woes.

I have loved and been loved, but not always at the same time. I've forged new friendships with amazing people, and strengthened old ones. I've removed the people who cause drama from my life. I've gotten up at the crack of dawn, and stayed up to see the sun rise. I've ridden horses, herded cattle, bucked bales, and learned the value of manual labor outside. I've been initiated in the ancient art of Kriya Yoga by a Master, I've pushed myself further than I thought possible. I've been alone and loved it, and I've felt lonely in a crowded room. I have LIVED.... but it's far from over.

When I stop to think about it, I've done quite a lot in my short time on this earth so far. Other people have done more - other people have done other things - but I have done what I have done, seen what I have seen, and felt what I have felt. And I will keep doing & seeing & learning & feeling. My journey is my own, not any one else's. At the end of the day, and this journey, I will only have myself to answer to & satisfy, and so far I am happy to be me.

So far, so good....


"...but people are smart, they can handle it..."

"No, a person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, stupid animals - and you know this"

-Soon to be Agent J & Agent K, MiB

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.

Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else.

When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last.

Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

This was an email sent to me by Those who know me, know that I needed to hear this. So I thought I'd share.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Elephant Shit

This is an email that I sent to a friend of mine. It precisely expresses what I feel at this point in time (and copy/paste is SO convenient).

Lately - actually ESPECIALLY after the Icke talk - I've been much more aware of day-to-day things. And this joke of a pandemic that is the swine flu, coupled with people such as your singer claiming "we've won!!" 'cos a dark-skinned body is now CEO of the corporation that is America is super frustrating and heart-breaking at the same time.

Yesterday, I was editing an article on Uranium in drinking water, and when I did an image search for "uranium" - with the objective of finding an image of a chunk of uranium - I stumbled across images documenting the physical effects on humans who are exposed to DU (depleted uranium). I wanted to cry. And nobody seems to notice these outrageous crimes against humanity... nobody seems to care...

I've been examining my own short life, and am increasingly thankful for many different things. I listen to Conspirituality during my 40 min drive to and from work, and it keeps David's points fresh in my mind. I know that anger won't solve anything, but the shit that's going down still disturbs me. The blindness, complacency, and acceptance by the masses is maddening. Once you acknowledge that you're capable of so much more than these limitations that have been placed on you and that there is a life outside the cave you've been forced to live in... how can you go back?? Not that I want to.

I know I'm preaching to the chior at this point. I'm frustrated, and somewhat numb to the idiocy & ignorance - and complete lack of interest in the TRUTH - that surfaces everywhere around me: in every industry, every facet, every conversation / discussion / show / blah blah blah.

There is so much to be thankful for - so many good things to focus on, but that doesn't mean ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room. And that pachyderm just took an elephant-sized-shit right on the table.

Check out these links, if you're so inclined:

David Icke:
Conpirituality - the realest hip-hop artists in the game today:

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Got to Phoenix at a sweet 1am, after getting pulled over by CHP in the last 10 mile stretch of Cali for getting clocked going 85mph in a 70 zone.... and drove off with a fix-it ticket for my license plate bulb being burnt out.

My best friend Nikki and I were both wearing our glasses and looked like a pair of nerds. I think it was the glasses that sealed the deal.

After we've jumped on our hotel beds, now it's off to partake in some AWESOME continental breakfast and then to the Orpheum to absorb the incredible knowledge that Mr. David Icke is going to bestow. Hell fucking yeah! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now... :)

Saturday, September 12, 2009


...people are people and sometimes we change our minds
but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...

and we know it's never simple - never easy
but you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Friday, August 28, 2009

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

It's an emotional process to acknowledge the passing of a great & beautiful thing. But lately, I've come to realize that letting go doesn't mean pretending like that wonderful occurrence never happened. Letting go is really about appreciating those good times, and the existence of the spectacular connection that used to be there.

There's a lesson I'm supposed to learn here. Maybe it's that I'm supposed to be strong; maybe it's that it's ok to grieve when you've been wounded; maybe it's not even my lesson to learn & my experience is just a by-product of that. Whatever it is, I can say with utmost certainty that no matter how much you care for someone, & no matter if they reciprocate that feeling, you should never let the fear of getting hurt stop you from being the loving person you are capable of being.

I found this quote last week, and it made me pause and think:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
- Wayne Dyer

True words right there. So, what does that say about me when I've let myself get taken advantage of for the majority of my young life? I honestly don't know.... but I do know that sometimes a 2nd chance can be all someone needs, that everyone has their own demons & doubts, and that the Universe knows exactly what it is doing.

I'm exhausted from asking myself questions that have no answers. And I feel foolish for letting myself believe that he could honestly care about me, that what I felt was mutual.

So, the current question is: what now? Well, I'll do the only thing I can do: love myself. Being sad gets old fast. Pretending like it never happened is dumb, too. Being resentful and bitter do nothing, and I don't want to go down that path anyway. I forgive him for whatever it is he's done, but now I have to focus my attention back to myself. This is always hard for me - I don't understand it, either. No one else has difficulty being selfish, but I've always been the exact opposite. I've always concentrated on what I can do for others (to avoid having to deal with myself???).

But ya gotta start sometime, right? So I'm going to try. Tonight I completed my 10th yoga class in a row, and I'm on my way to complete 101 consecutive classes. They say that the first 30 days of Bikram yoga is purely physical - it works on your cells, muscle memory, and realigning every part of your body. The next 30 days work thru your emotions and mental blocks, and the final 30 days are more spiritual. They say that at that point in time you're in the zone, and your body is changing, but you don't notice it. Therefore, I've dedicated 101 yoga classes to myself. 10 down, 91 to go!

Time will fix my heart - I won't become jaded or bitter. I always want to be full of light and love, and there's no way I'm ever going to lose that desire, no matter what feelings I may have for another, and no matter if they return it or not.

God, I'm such a girl right now....

Monday, August 3, 2009


So I'm trying to be cool and give him space, but I can't help but notice the change...the lack of interest.

The only thing in life I'm responsible for is myself - and I figure if I keep myself busy, then maybe I won't pick up on how phone calls are fewer and further communication has decreased so drastically since different things are from only a few months ago.


Maybe I just need to accept it and forget it. If he can't come out and say it with words, he damn sure has said it with actions (or lack thereof). It's just that rejection on any level is never pleasant. I don't want a ring or a mortgage for christ's sake - just affirmation of an interest and an effort to be with me - I just want to feel special. I thought I was worth that much. Now I just feel like "that girl" - the one who was stupid enough to think there was a genuine connection there when it's becoming more and more apparent that even if it was there, it's not anymore.

Whatever is wrong, I know it's not me, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.
I'm not trying to force it, either. Things will work out exactly as they're supposed to...

I'm a good girl, dammit!! I'm a one of a kind, and I know it. I'm a sweet soul, I'm laid back, low-maintenance, considerate, accepting, understanding, confident, smart, funny, and pretty. I don't make demands or give ultimatums, I don't sleep around, I get along with his friends and family, and I'm not jealous. In fact, I've never had a problem with his occupation. I know he has to travel, I know what his job entails, and it's fine - I've never wanted to change him at all because I like him just the way he is.

And I deserve someone who not only recognizes that I'm a cool chick, but who will make an effort every now and again. I'm a strong and unique woman, and I won't settle for less than what I deserve. (He used to make an effort...that's another fact I keep repeating to myself.)

It just sucks to endure so many shitty experiences in the past, and then to come so close to having such a wonderful thing with someone I could truly count as an equal, only to have it yanked away when you finally let yourself believe in it. I was guarded for over a year, and as soon as I let that guard down and let someone in, that's the about the time shit went south. And what a transition to make - from being so extremely close to maybe a phone call once a week...if I'm lucky.

Oh, Universe...what a sense of humor you have!

Don't think it's all "poor me" or "sad Risa." It's not like's just a super frustrating and confusing situation. And being the optimist that I am, I know that if he wanted to be rid of me completely he wouldn't call at all. But if I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, I also know that if he was really interested, he'd call more often - maybe even make a trip to SD for a day or two.

No matter though. This country girl will keep on keepin' on. I'm not afraid of being alone - I've never been the girl who needed a guy to make everything alright, and I'm damn sure not going to start now. Throughout it all, I will always have me, and I'm proud of the person I am - I can't wait to see the person I will become. Nothing's going to hold me back or make me jaded. I am my own light, and if I'm going to see where my path is going, I need to shine as brightly as I can!