Friday, August 28, 2009

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

It's an emotional process to acknowledge the passing of a great & beautiful thing. But lately, I've come to realize that letting go doesn't mean pretending like that wonderful occurrence never happened. Letting go is really about appreciating those good times, and the existence of the spectacular connection that used to be there.

There's a lesson I'm supposed to learn here. Maybe it's that I'm supposed to be strong; maybe it's that it's ok to grieve when you've been wounded; maybe it's not even my lesson to learn & my experience is just a by-product of that. Whatever it is, I can say with utmost certainty that no matter how much you care for someone, & no matter if they reciprocate that feeling, you should never let the fear of getting hurt stop you from being the loving person you are capable of being.

I found this quote last week, and it made me pause and think:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
- Wayne Dyer

True words right there. So, what does that say about me when I've let myself get taken advantage of for the majority of my young life? I honestly don't know.... but I do know that sometimes a 2nd chance can be all someone needs, that everyone has their own demons & doubts, and that the Universe knows exactly what it is doing.

I'm exhausted from asking myself questions that have no answers. And I feel foolish for letting myself believe that he could honestly care about me, that what I felt was mutual.

So, the current question is: what now? Well, I'll do the only thing I can do: love myself. Being sad gets old fast. Pretending like it never happened is dumb, too. Being resentful and bitter do nothing, and I don't want to go down that path anyway. I forgive him for whatever it is he's done, but now I have to focus my attention back to myself. This is always hard for me - I don't understand it, either. No one else has difficulty being selfish, but I've always been the exact opposite. I've always concentrated on what I can do for others (to avoid having to deal with myself???).

But ya gotta start sometime, right? So I'm going to try. Tonight I completed my 10th yoga class in a row, and I'm on my way to complete 101 consecutive classes. They say that the first 30 days of Bikram yoga is purely physical - it works on your cells, muscle memory, and realigning every part of your body. The next 30 days work thru your emotions and mental blocks, and the final 30 days are more spiritual. They say that at that point in time you're in the zone, and your body is changing, but you don't notice it. Therefore, I've dedicated 101 yoga classes to myself. 10 down, 91 to go!

Time will fix my heart - I won't become jaded or bitter. I always want to be full of light and love, and there's no way I'm ever going to lose that desire, no matter what feelings I may have for another, and no matter if they return it or not.

God, I'm such a girl right now....

Monday, August 3, 2009


So I'm trying to be cool and give him space, but I can't help but notice the change...the lack of interest.

The only thing in life I'm responsible for is myself - and I figure if I keep myself busy, then maybe I won't pick up on how phone calls are fewer and further communication has decreased so drastically since different things are from only a few months ago.


Maybe I just need to accept it and forget it. If he can't come out and say it with words, he damn sure has said it with actions (or lack thereof). It's just that rejection on any level is never pleasant. I don't want a ring or a mortgage for christ's sake - just affirmation of an interest and an effort to be with me - I just want to feel special. I thought I was worth that much. Now I just feel like "that girl" - the one who was stupid enough to think there was a genuine connection there when it's becoming more and more apparent that even if it was there, it's not anymore.

Whatever is wrong, I know it's not me, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.
I'm not trying to force it, either. Things will work out exactly as they're supposed to...

I'm a good girl, dammit!! I'm a one of a kind, and I know it. I'm a sweet soul, I'm laid back, low-maintenance, considerate, accepting, understanding, confident, smart, funny, and pretty. I don't make demands or give ultimatums, I don't sleep around, I get along with his friends and family, and I'm not jealous. In fact, I've never had a problem with his occupation. I know he has to travel, I know what his job entails, and it's fine - I've never wanted to change him at all because I like him just the way he is.

And I deserve someone who not only recognizes that I'm a cool chick, but who will make an effort every now and again. I'm a strong and unique woman, and I won't settle for less than what I deserve. (He used to make an effort...that's another fact I keep repeating to myself.)

It just sucks to endure so many shitty experiences in the past, and then to come so close to having such a wonderful thing with someone I could truly count as an equal, only to have it yanked away when you finally let yourself believe in it. I was guarded for over a year, and as soon as I let that guard down and let someone in, that's the about the time shit went south. And what a transition to make - from being so extremely close to maybe a phone call once a week...if I'm lucky.

Oh, Universe...what a sense of humor you have!

Don't think it's all "poor me" or "sad Risa." It's not like's just a super frustrating and confusing situation. And being the optimist that I am, I know that if he wanted to be rid of me completely he wouldn't call at all. But if I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, I also know that if he was really interested, he'd call more often - maybe even make a trip to SD for a day or two.

No matter though. This country girl will keep on keepin' on. I'm not afraid of being alone - I've never been the girl who needed a guy to make everything alright, and I'm damn sure not going to start now. Throughout it all, I will always have me, and I'm proud of the person I am - I can't wait to see the person I will become. Nothing's going to hold me back or make me jaded. I am my own light, and if I'm going to see where my path is going, I need to shine as brightly as I can!