Tuesday, March 29, 2011

So far, so good

As of this very moment, I am 26 years young. While most are quick to agree that 26 is not old at all, I am of the frame of mind that you are only as old as you think you are - and I intend to think 'young' for as long as I'm able. Youth is appealing for many reasons; there is a confidence in youth that seems to dwindle with life's various experiences. But I don't want to remain youthful on the outside - I want to remain youthful on the inside. I want to always view the world with wonder and curiosity, I don't want to become bitter or close myself off from the world. Afterall, as John Galt once said:
"Live & act within the limit of your knowledge & keep expanding it to the limit of your life."

So today I was thinking about certain things about my life that I'm not exactly happy with, mainly my financial situation (and partially my romantic life). Basically, I never seem to have enough money. Just when I start to get ahead, some unexpected expense pops up and sets me back again. How am I supposed to get out of debt enough to save for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, or at least enough to get approved for a loan to attend, when I can't pay it off as soon as I want? It's been a point of minor despair for me the past year or so.

But despite the less than ideal circumstance I am currently in, I know they will pass just as quickly as I allow them to. And I can't help but think about all the great shit that I've done with my life thus far.

I'm only 26 years old, and I've already moved half way across the country from Kansas to California, leaving behind everything I knew & loved to be in a new & challenging environment. I walked away from a 5.5 yr relationship & began my own life, relying on my independence to keep me afloat and save my ass. I dated a bass player & discovered a connection with another person that I never could have imagined. I had my heart broken... again. I signed with a non-exclusive agency & tried my hand at modeling. This particular experience isn't over for me yet, but it's connected me with so many wonderful people and given me so many opportunities & experiences that I am humbled & grateful for. I've traveled to Canada several times, and soon I will be going to England for the 2nd time & Ireland for the first time. I've been introduced to mind-blowing ideas and concepts about the world we live in, for which I am so very thankful. I've acknowledged my own spirituality and the journey I am on in this life. I've fallen in love with Bikram Yoga and realized that my heart belongs in the Cascade mountain range. I've taken solo road trips up the coast of California to Oregon, seen the Redwood trees, partied in Vegas and Hollywood, and still remained true to my country roots. I started my own business a few months ago, and am optimistic it will help supplement my financial woes.

I have loved and been loved, but not always at the same time. I've forged new friendships with amazing people, and strengthened old ones. I've removed the people who cause drama from my life. I've gotten up at the crack of dawn, and stayed up to see the sun rise. I've ridden horses, herded cattle, bucked bales, and learned the value of manual labor outside. I've been initiated in the ancient art of Kriya Yoga by a Master, I've pushed myself further than I thought possible. I've been alone and loved it, and I've felt lonely in a crowded room. I have LIVED.... but it's far from over.

When I stop to think about it, I've done quite a lot in my short time on this earth so far. Other people have done more - other people have done other things - but I have done what I have done, seen what I have seen, and felt what I have felt. And I will keep doing & seeing & learning & feeling. My journey is my own, not any one else's. At the end of the day, and this journey, I will only have myself to answer to & satisfy, and so far I am happy to be me.

So far, so good....


"...but people are smart, they can handle it..."

"No, a person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, stupid animals - and you know this"

-Soon to be Agent J & Agent K, MiB