Our Story: the night(s) we met

I've been wanting to write Our Story for a while, but never really got around to it until now. Life has a tendency of getting in the way & the mundane everyday tasks or ominously important gotta-do-it-right-now jobs creep up the list of priorities. But we all know how that goes. To keep myself focused, I'll share "our story" in three parts: the night we met, before deployment, and during deployment. I'll preface the following story by saying his version of events and mine are different (obviously) but it's still the same.

Let's travel all the way back to 2013. To set the scene, when I first met Joey it was in a bar. My bar. The bar where I worked damn near every day for 2 years. At this time I had just moved, renting a room from a sweet & very understanding friend of a friend. My last serious relationship ended with horrendous lies, deceit, and heartbreaking betrayal that could easily resemble a tragic comedy / daytime soap opera, and I needed to relocate with a quickness. The night I met Joey was a Thursday; I was invited out to my bar by my new roommate & her boyfriend to hang out and enjoy my night off. That's how it normally goes - when you work in a bar, you tend to spend your nights off in the same bar. Seeing as how I was there so frequently, I actually discouraged customers from too much off-the-clock interaction. Anyone in that industry will understand. And that's why when I went out that night, I didn't put much effort into my appearance. I wore my favorite ballcap, which fits very low & allowed me to avoid any undesired eye contact.

my overexposed selfie from that night

Thursdays were never that crowded at the bar, and this night was no exception. As soon as I entered I walked to the main bar and waited my turn. A guy was already there waiting politely, so I posted up about 5 feet away from him, and refused to make eye contact (typical behavior on my nights off). When the bartender came down to our end of the bar, he immediately asked what I wanted. Assuming he was only helping me first because we worked together, I acknowledged the stranger next to me & told him "That guy was here first." This 'guy' responded with a simple "Ladies first," and even after I tried to make him order he refused to ask the bartender for anything. Not wanting to waste my friend's time, I quickly ordered my beer, the gentleman followed suit, and our bartender complied. Beer in hand, I turn to him & thanked him, telling him that not many people would have done what he did, to which he replied, "Well, I'm not from around here."  I raised my bottle in a cheers gesture and said "Neither am I." Before he could get too comfortable talking with me, I drank a sip & walked away to find my roommate. In all honesty, I forgot about that encounter until Joey told me about his first time meeting me (almost a year later). Even though he says that's when we met - and he's right because we did technically meet - for me it didn't really count.

While I was busy chatting with my roommate, Joey had gone upstairs to join his friends. He told them about this girl he just met, and how beautiful she was, and how down-to-earth she was, and how this chick was just what he's been looking for. He said he was going to get her number that night because he wanted to get to know her and learn more about her. In the time that he was plotting his next move, I was headed up to that group of guys to say "hi" to the boyfriend of my roommate. I have absolutely no idea Joey is there because I didn't even take notice of him when we ordered our drinks. I don't recognize him, I don't acknowledge him, and I don't stick around long. After a quick greeting, I wander away and find other people I know and continue my night. According to Joey, as I walked away he stared at my roommate's boyfriend in disbelief and blurted out, "Dude, that's the girl!!" and proceeded to interrogate the poor guy:  Who is she?? What's her story? Is she seeing anyone?

If you were to ask me, I'd tell you that the first time we met was about a week after that night, in a completely different bar. My roommate's boyfriend knew Joey was interested in me, and in keeping with Guy Code would not tell me but rather would assist in helping us meet again. He basically bullied me into agreeing to show up at a Buffalo Wild Wings for a "getting out of the Marine Corps" party for a guy I didn't even know. So one Tuesday night I walk into B-Dubs to hang out with my roommate & her man. This was the night that I met Joey, ha! ha!

I took my seat on the empty end of the table away from the crowd next to my roommate. After a few moments, a young good looking guy walked the length of the table & took a seat one chair away from me. "Oh great," I thought, "here we go... " Not surprisingly, he struck up a conversation. We talked briefly about our shared rural upbringings, our occupations, and our hunting excursions back home. We drank some beers. I nicked a promo PBR glass. Eventually turkey calls were imitated by the both of us, in some weird effort to impress each other.

Flash forward to 2016 & our wedding hashtag: #itallstartedwithturkeycalls

Look at me now

I always told myself I would never date a military man. Probably because of the first one I met when I moved to California. He was my then-boyfriend's roommate, and he was a scumbag sailor in the US Navy. I mean this guy sucked at life. He was the "friend" that always had the all-powerful bad influence over my boyfriend. Even at the time I knew that my boyfriend was just as much at fault for his own shitty behavior, yet I couldn't help but blame the loser & magnify his flaws. He used his friends, he lied, and he constantly cheated on his gorgeous girlfriend who thought the world of him. The few military guys that I met after this initial encounter did little to sway my first impression.

Fast forward about 5 years. Now I'm working in a country-themed bar, and that kind of establishment in a military town like San Diego has a tendency to attract all the displaced folks who were raised in a rural area. Namely military guys & gals. While working there, I was hit on more times that I care to count, and not because I'm pretty or funny or nice or honest. I was hit on because I was a girl in a bar. Plain & simple. Over the years I've heard plenty of pick-up lines, and just as many obscene attempts to hook-up. In total I was proposed to 9 times during my 2 years in that bar. ha! ha! Don't worry, I didn't take any of it seriously - my natural reaction was to laugh it all off. The lack of sincerity in romantic gestures in that atmosphere was palpable. But throughout my exposure to the Military Types, I did forge some lasting friendships with people who did not suck at life. And I had to admit to myself that they weren't all bad, but I still held fast to my resolution that I would never date a military man.

Present day:  I'm over a year into the best relationship of my entire life. I've found a man who is my match in every way, my very best friend, the love of my life... and he just happens to be a United States Marine. When I first met Joey I was actually bummed that he was active duty and I didn't think that a serious relationship was in the cards. But that's the thing about life - "Never say never." As fate would have it, I've fallen head over feet in love with this man. And with him, comes the military and the uncertainty that goes along with it. Right now we are more than half way through his 3rd deployment with the Marine Corps, but this is my first deployment as a girlfriend. I've seen friends deploy before & they seemed to return fairly quickly. In hindsight the last 5.5 months have gone by quickly and yet leisurely all at the same time. The distance has actually helped us grow closer together because it's helped to cement our already solid foundation. We lean on each other and turn towards each other with all of our issues. Most of all, we communicate. That's got to be one of my favorite things about Joey - we can honestly communicate with each other. I'm grateful beyond words that he found me.

With his homecoming right around the corner (2 months? 3 months?? more????) we are talking more and more about our future together. But guess what? The Marine Corps is calling all the shots. They will decide when he can come home, they will decide how much time he will have away from work, and they will decide when & where he will go next. Joey has told me about some orders that are looming on the horizon, and how he wants me to come with him. As much as I love him, I will gladly go where ever he may go, and that's looking more and more like it will be in North Carolina. Only time (and the Marine Corps) will tell when and where, but I will go anywhere with him.

Aside from the fantastic love I now have in my life, I'm also at the beginning of a solid career that I am passionate about. About 4 months ago I completed the Veterinary Technician program at Pima Medical Institute & graduated with an Associates of Applied Science. I'd be lying if I said that a college degree ain't a big deal. I worked hard for that piece of paper and it's a great feeling knowing that I set a goal and achieved it. Last month I passed the massively difficult Veterinary Technician National Exam (VTNE) which qualifies me to be licensed in the state. I'm one exam away from being a Licensed Registered Veterinary Technician!! This is a huge step forward in my field that will help me out down the road, especially if a cross-country move is in my future.

Contemplating where I currently am in life, looking back at where I've been, and anxiously awaiting what is ahead of me, I can't help but feel humbled and blessed. I really do try to live in the moment and not dwell too much on what I can't affect or alter, and so far that's made me pretty damn happy. So, here's to a new year, full of change. And here's to all the happiness, love, and light that I can emit into the Universe & allow to permeate my own existence.   <3 nbsp="" p="">

Losing your Soul Mate is the best thing to happen to you

Dear god, how I wish I had written this.

I met my soul mate in 2007. We haven't seen each other since 2010.
I met my true love last year & we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

Reading this literally brought tears to my eyes. My god, how the heart feels and understands the complexities of life & love. 
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http://elitedaily.com/dating/losing-your-soul-mate-is-great/820996/
BY NICOLE McARDLE

The idea of finding a "soul mate" is associated with a complexity of emotion that is best described in the simplest of terms.

Being with your soul mate just makes sense.

When you find this person, you just know. It's an instant feeling of connection and security. This person fits so perfectly into your life, it's as if he or she had somehow been in it all along. This is someone you can't imagine being without — a person who has the ability to love you or break you.

It's a love so pure and so strong, it consumes you; a perpetual state of calming assurance that everything will be all right.

For some, this person will be a lifelong partner, but for others, it simply cannot be. Not all of us are meant to be with our soul mates because, sometimes, being in love simply isn't enough.

Letting go of a soul mate is among the hardest things you'll ever do. After all, letting go means you're willingly ignoring someone who brings you incomparable happiness. This person is a best friend and partner, who, up until the breaking point, knew you better than anyone you've ever known.

By letting go, you're also willingly accepting defeat, and with that, comes the crushing thought of having to start all over again. Though it may seem difficult to believe, the realization that it must end and actually ending it will be easy; it's forgetting that is the hardest part.

Forgetting routines and moments is hard. Forgetting how to get through a day without involving this person is hard. Forcing yourself to remember that the other person has his or her life and you have yours and that the two can continue existing without each other is hard.

From this point on, your lives will run parallel, but will no longer collide. Accepting that isn't easy. This is the hardest part because, despite this realization and despite ending it, the love still remains. It leaves you wondering, "Where does the love that you've built go when the relationship is over?"

Despite what you may believe, losing a soul mate will actually awaken your soul. It will leave you with the insight necessary to learn what you want out of your next relationship, with what you're willing to put up and with what you'll never deal again.

There are many lessons to be learned from losing your soul mate. The most important is the understanding that an all-encompassing love — the kind that swallows you whole — is not always the love you need. This kind of love can sometimes be a hindrance that holds you captive in a relationship, which may not be right in other aspects.

In simplest terms, a love that's meant to be, will be. The absence you feel upon its loss, however, will teach you a great deal about yourself. You'll learn a new kind of independence; it will teach you not to remake certain mistakes you made in the relationship.

Once you've learned all you can, you will reach a point where this soul mate will be nothing more than remnants of love left, with space cleared for new love to come. You may never have a greater love than this, but there certainly will be a better one. And, though time won't change the fact that this love existed, it will give you the experience to help move forward.

As time passes, you may meet someone with whom you intend to replicate lost love; then after, perhaps someone who stands for everything your ex was against. Though it will at first seem inconceivable, you'll eventually meet someone who possesses the attributes you once loved about someone else, but this new person won't leave you feeling empty.

This person won't make you cry; this person will understand you in a ways you never thought to consider and will appreciate all that you are and all that your relationship is and will be. This new person will do what the other failed to do. This new person will not choose to break you.

This new person will choose to love you, to mend you and to show you that by letting go of your soul mate, you paved the way for true love.

So far, so good

As of this very moment, I am 26 years young. While most are quick to agree that 26 is not old at all, I am of the frame of mind that you are only as old as you think you are - and I intend to think 'young' for as long as I'm able. Youth is appealing for many reasons; there is a confidence in youth that seems to dwindle with life's various experiences. But I don't want to remain youthful on the outside - I want to remain youthful on the inside. I want to always view the world with wonder and curiosity, I don't want to become bitter or close myself off from the world. Afterall, as John Galt once said:

"Live & act within the limit of your knowledge & keep expanding it to the limit of your life."

So today I was thinking about certain things about my life that I'm not exactly happy with, mainly my financial situation (and partially my romantic life). Basically, I never seem to have enough money. Just when I start to get ahead, some unexpected expense pops up and sets me back again. How am I supposed to get out of debt enough to save for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, or at least enough to get approved for a loan to attend, when I can't pay it off as soon as I want? It's been a point of minor despair for me the past year or so.

But despite the less than ideal circumstance I am currently in, I know they will pass just as quickly as I allow them to. And I can't help but think about all the great shit that I've done with my life thus far.

I'm only 26 years old, and I've already moved half way across the country from Kansas to California, leaving behind everything I knew & loved to be in a new & challenging environment. I walked away from a 5.5 yr relationship & began my own life, relying on my independence to keep me afloat and save my ass. I dated a bass player & discovered a connection with another person that I never could have imagined. I had my heart broken... again. I signed with a non-exclusive agency & tried my hand at modeling. This particular experience isn't over for me yet, but it's connected me with so many wonderful people and given me so many opportunities & experiences that I am humbled & grateful for. I've traveled to Canada several times, and soon I will be going to England for the 2nd time & Ireland for the first time. I've been introduced to mind-blowing ideas and concepts about the world we live in, for which I am so very thankful. I've acknowledged my own spirituality and the journey I am on in this life. I've fallen in love with Bikram Yoga and realized that my heart belongs in the Cascade mountain range. I've taken solo road trips up the coast of California to Oregon, seen the Redwood trees, partied in Vegas and Hollywood, and still remained true to my country roots. I started my own business a few months ago, and am optimistic it will help supplement my financial woes.

I have loved and been loved, but not always at the same time. I've forged new friendships with amazing people, and strengthened old ones. I've removed the people who cause drama from my life. I've gotten up at the crack of dawn, and stayed up to see the sun rise. I've ridden horses, herded cattle, bucked bales, and learned the value of manual labor outside. I've been initiated in the ancient art of Kriya Yoga by a Master, I've pushed myself further than I thought possible. I've been alone and loved it, and I've felt lonely in a crowded room. I have LIVED.... but it's far from over.

When I stop to think about it, I've done quite a lot in my short time on this earth so far. Other people have done more - other people have done other things - but I have done what I have done, seen what I have seen, and felt what I have felt. And I will keep doing & seeing & learning & feeling. My journey is my own, not any one else's. At the end of the day, and this journey, I will only have myself to answer to & satisfy, and so far I am happy to be me.

So far, so good....

Remember

"...but people are smart, they can handle it..."

"No, a person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, stupid animals - and you know this"

-Soon to be Agent J & Agent K, MiB

Love Should Feel Good

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love.

Often in our lives, we fall prey to the idea of a thing rather than actually experiencing the thing itself. We see this at play in our love lives and in the love lives of our friends, our family, and even fictional characters. The conceptualizing, depiction, and pursuit of true love are multimillion-dollar industries in the modern world. However, very little of what is offered actually leads us to an authentic experience of love. Moreover, as we grasp for what we think we want and fail to find it, we may suffer and bring suffering to others. When this is the case, when we suffer more than we feel healed, we can be fairly certain that what we have found is not love but something else.

When we feel anxious, excited, nervous, and thrilled, we are probably experiencing romance, not love. Romance can be a lot of fun as long as we do not try to make too much of it. If we try to make more of it than it is, the romance then becomes painful. Romance may lead to love, but it may also fade without blossoming into anything more than a flirtation. If we cling to it and try to make it more, we might find ourselves pining for a fantasy, or worse, stuck in a relationship that was never meant to last.

Real love is identifiable by the way it makes us feel. Love should feel good. There is a peaceful quality to an authentic experience of love that penetrates to our core, touching a part of ourselves that has always been there. True love activates this inner being, filling us with warmth and light. An authentic experience of love does not ask us to look a certain way, drive a certain car, or have a certain job. It takes us as we are, no changes required. When people truly love us, their love for us awakens our love for ourselves. They remind us that what we seek outside of ourselves is a mirror image of the lover within. In this way, true love never makes us feel needy or lacking or anxious. Instead, true love empowers us with its implicit message that we are, always have been, and always will be, made of love.

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This was an email sent to me by DailyOM.com. Those who know me, know that I needed to hear this. So I thought I'd share.

Elephant Shit

This is an email that I sent to a friend of mine. It precisely expresses what I feel at this point in time (and copy/paste is SO convenient).

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Lately - actually ESPECIALLY after the Icke talk - I've been much more aware of day-to-day things. And this joke of a pandemic that is the swine flu, coupled with people such as your singer claiming "we've won!!" 'cos a dark-skinned body is now CEO of the corporation that is America is super frustrating and heart-breaking at the same time.

Yesterday, I was editing an article on Uranium in drinking water, and when I did an image search for "uranium" - with the objective of finding an image of a chunk of uranium - I stumbled across images documenting the physical effects on humans who are exposed to DU (depleted uranium). I wanted to cry. And nobody seems to notice these outrageous crimes against humanity... nobody seems to care...

I've been examining my own short life, and am increasingly thankful for many different things. I listen to Conspirituality during my 40 min drive to and from work, and it keeps David's points fresh in my mind. I know that anger won't solve anything, but the shit that's going down still disturbs me. The blindness, complacency, and acceptance by the masses is maddening. Once you acknowledge that you're capable of so much more than these limitations that have been placed on you and that there is a life outside the cave you've been forced to live in... how can you go back?? Not that I want to.

I know I'm preaching to the chior at this point. I'm frustrated, and somewhat numb to the idiocy & ignorance - and complete lack of interest in the TRUTH - that surfaces everywhere around me: in every industry, every facet, every conversation / discussion / show / blah blah blah.

There is so much to be thankful for - so many good things to focus on, but that doesn't mean ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room. And that pachyderm just took an elephant-sized-shit right on the table.

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Check out these links, if you're so inclined:

David Icke: www.davidicke.com
Conpirituality - the realest hip-hop artists in the game today: http://www.myspace.com/conspirituality

Phoenix!

Got to Phoenix at a sweet 1am, after getting pulled over by CHP in the last 10 mile stretch of Cali for getting clocked going 85mph in a 70 zone.... and drove off with a fix-it ticket for my license plate bulb being burnt out.

My best friend Nikki and I were both wearing our glasses and looked like a pair of nerds. I think it was the glasses that sealed the deal.

After we've jumped on our hotel beds, now it's off to partake in some AWESOME continental breakfast and then to the Orpheum to absorb the incredible knowledge that Mr. David Icke is going to bestow. Hell fucking yeah! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now... :)

breathe

...people are people and sometimes we change our minds
but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...

and we know it's never simple - never easy
but you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
  -Robert Frost

It's an emotional process to acknowledge the passing of a great & beautiful thing. But lately, I've come to realize that letting go doesn't mean pretending like that wonderful occurrence never happened. Letting go is really about appreciating those good times, and the existence of the spectacular connection that used to be there.

There's a lesson I'm supposed to learn here. Maybe it's that I'm supposed to be strong; maybe it's that it's ok to grieve when you've been wounded; maybe it's not even my lesson to learn & my experience is just a by-product of that. Whatever it is, I can say with utmost certainty that no matter how much you care for someone, & no matter if they reciprocate that feeling, you should never let the fear of getting hurt stop you from being the loving person you are capable of being.

I found this quote last week, and it made me pause and think:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
- Wayne Dyer

True words right there. So, what does that say about me when I've let myself get taken advantage of for the majority of my young life? I honestly don't know.... but I do know that sometimes a 2nd chance can be all someone needs, that everyone has their own demons & doubts, and that the Universe knows exactly what it is doing.

I'm exhausted from asking myself questions that have no answers. And I feel foolish for letting myself believe that he could honestly care about me, that what I felt was mutual.

So, the current question is: what now? Well, I'll do the only thing I can do: love myself. Being sad gets old fast. Pretending like it never happened is dumb, too. Being resentful and bitter do nothing, and I don't want to go down that path anyway. I forgive him for whatever it is he's done, but now I have to focus my attention back to myself. This is always hard for me - I don't understand it, either. No one else has difficulty being selfish, but I've always been the exact opposite. I've always concentrated on what I can do for others (to avoid having to deal with myself???).

But ya gotta start sometime, right? So I'm going to try. Tonight I completed my 10th yoga class in a row, and I'm on my way to complete 101 consecutive classes. They say that the first 30 days of Bikram yoga is purely physical - it works on your cells, muscle memory, and realigning every part of your body. The next 30 days work thru your emotions and mental blocks, and the final 30 days are more spiritual. They say that at that point in time you're in the zone, and your body is changing, but you don't notice it. Therefore, I've dedicated 101 yoga classes to myself. 10 down, 91 to go!

Time will fix my heart - I won't become jaded or bitter. I always want to be full of light and love, and there's no way I'm ever going to lose that desire, no matter what feelings I may have for another, and no matter if they return it or not.

God, I'm such a girl right now....