Is this for real?

Just got home from a modeling agency audition in Corona. And I got it.

Wow.

A month ago I was a wreck: crying, worrying about money, not able to pay the bills, thinking I'd have to resign my endeavors on the west coast for good and move in with one of my family members. But now...damn! In the past week I've started my new full time job in Carlsbad, and now I'm a signed model.

Wow.

Modeling has never been a life-long dream of mine. In fact, what I really wanted to pursue when I moved out here was acting, but modeling was suggested to me quite often. "You have gorgeous eyes, you should be a model." "You're really beautiful. Are you a model? Why not?" So I thought I'd give it a shot and see where it takes me. If there was any money to be made or anything to be gained from modeling, then it might be worth a shot, right? Then I realized how competitive both industries are. And since I've never had a free ride, free rent, or free food, I've had to work to pay my dues, which leaves very little time for networking and a small window of a few hours each day/evening that I'd be available for a modeling gig or a play/movie rehearsal. The people who make it big in modeling or acting have the time to dedicate open days and weeks to their art - and a flexible schedule to boot. I've had neither, but lately I've been pressing ahead in the modeling field, using Model Mayhem / Craigslist / MySpace to apply for work. And now I'm signed??? Never in my dizziest daydreams could I have foreseen this...

Now I've got a job & an agency - my money problems will clear up fast. And once my debt is absolved (all loans public and private), I've got big plans for this little girl!!

• get a road bicycle to go with my mountain bike
  
• save up $$$ for Bikram Yoga teacher training. After I'm a certified instructor, I want to get a job at a local studio to start. My ultimate goal is to have my own studio one day, and I want to be good enough so that I can guest teach at studios around the world when I travel for vacation.
  
• get a motorcycle and learn how to ride it
• move to Oregon and buy a truck (Tacoma, 4WD). I'm also going to get a dog and name her Gypsy.
  
• read all the books that have been in my queue for years
• go hiking and camping more often
• hone my survival skills
  
• finish teaching myself HTML/CSS/XHTML coding, and once I master that then I'll start teaching myself PHP & Pearl. With those skillz, I can start marketing myself as contract UI Developer & an Email Marketing Specialist. Then I can get some contract work and (cha-CHING!!) more money.
• play the stock market (after much analysis & research - both of which I'm currently doing)
  
• buy a ranch house/cabin, some land, and horses, and chickens. I've got even more plans for the land/ranch once I get it: a nice barn & tack room, a garden, a chicken coop, and maybe a prairie hay or alfalfa field....
  

There you have it, Internet - my hopes and dreams in a few bullet points. My plans & goals in life right at this moment. And you know what? I can TOTALLY accomplish all of it.

So, to sum up, there's been good things all around!! But my heart is still confused. I have a situation that is unique, to say the least. I don't know how to proceed with it - but there are some undeniable truths I do know for a fact. To be clear, this is more for me than for anyone else who happens to read this - I think I just need to actually write it out to really make it mean what it does. I have never wanted to change someone because I would NEVER want someone to ask me to be anyone other than myself. As Dr. Suess said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I think everyone should be who they are - be true to yourself! - because I'm always going to be me, and I won't conform to anyone's 'idea' of me. Ever. With that in mind, it's correct to say that I am who I am and I feel what I feel - I can't control that, I can't shut my emotions on or off on a whim.

Another bit of information I have to keep telling myself over and over and over again is that he can't miss me if I'm not gone. If I'm always available and always making an effort to someone who's not, how is that fair? Plain and simple: It's not. And if someone is going to miss me, they can't do it when I'm still calling or texting or emailing. I've been making the effort for too long now - and I'm not stupid - I can take a hint. He knows my number - he knows how to get ahold of me....and if he misses me, then he'll do something about it.

No matter what happens with this guy, or any other guy for that matter, I know that the only constant in my life is that I am me and I have a core of truth within myself & a path to walk. I will have the courage and the heart, the centered-ness, to follow my own path, to be who I am and love being who I am, no matter what. I will shine out and show the universe who I am, so that people who are looking for someone exactly like me can find me. I won't allow setbacks or even major betrayals to dampen my spirit. I am the center of my own life, and I am exactly as I need to be right now. I will always *always* shine my own light and walk my own path - and I will allow others to do the same.