The only thing in life I'm responsible for is myself - and I figure if I keep myself busy, then maybe I won't pick up on how phone calls are fewer and further between...how communication has decreased so drastically since March...how different things are from only a few months ago.
Sigh.
Maybe I just need to accept it and forget it. If he can't come out and say it with words, he damn sure has said it with actions (or lack thereof). It's just that rejection on any level is never pleasant. I don't want a ring or a mortgage for christ's sake - just affirmation of an interest and an effort to be with me - I just want to feel special. I thought I was worth that much. Now I just feel like "that girl" - the one who was stupid enough to think there was a genuine connection there when it's becoming more and more apparent that even if it was there, it's not anymore.
Whatever is wrong, I know it's not me, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.
I'm not trying to force it, either. Things will work out exactly as they're supposed to...
I'm a good girl, dammit!! I'm a one of a kind, and I know it. I'm a sweet soul, I'm laid back, low-maintenance, considerate, accepting, understanding, confident, smart, funny, and pretty. I don't make demands or give ultimatums, I don't sleep around, I get along with his friends and family, and I'm not jealous. In fact, I've never had a problem with his occupation. I know he has to travel, I know what his job entails, and it's fine - I've never wanted to change him at all because I like him just the way he is.
And I deserve someone who not only recognizes that I'm a cool chick, but who will make an effort every now and again. I'm a strong and unique woman, and I won't settle for less than what I deserve. (He used to make an effort...that's another fact I keep repeating to myself.)
It just sucks to endure so many shitty experiences in the past, and then to come so close to having such a wonderful thing with someone I could truly count as an equal, only to have it yanked away when you finally let yourself believe in it. I was guarded for over a year, and as soon as I let that guard down and let someone in, that's the about the time shit went south. And what a transition to make - from being so extremely close to maybe a phone call once a week...if I'm lucky.
Oh, Universe...what a sense of humor you have!
Don't think it's all "poor me" or "sad Risa." It's not like that....it's just a super frustrating and confusing situation. And being the optimist that I am, I know that if he wanted to be rid of me completely he wouldn't call at all. But if I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, I also know that if he was really interested, he'd call more often - maybe even make a trip to SD for a day or two.
No matter though. This country girl will keep on keepin' on. I'm not afraid of being alone - I've never been the girl who needed a guy to make everything alright, and I'm damn sure not going to start now. Throughout it all, I will always have me, and I'm proud of the person I am - I can't wait to see the person I will become. Nothing's going to hold me back or make me jaded. I am my own light, and if I'm going to see where my path is going, I need to shine as brightly as I can!
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