Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Road Not Taken

As I currently face a crossroad in my life, I find comfort in this classic piece of poetry.

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Some information presented itself to me this morning, and with that information I'm faced with a decision. Yesterday I realized I've been avoiding dealing with the reality of my situation because things aren't going the way that I would like them to go right now.

Rather than focus on all the negativity, I really need to focus on things I can control, pick one of the options that are before me, and stick with it.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


Yesterday some friends and I hopped in the car and drove east to Cleveland National Forest for a camping trip. This little trip reminded me, yet again, that I don't belong in a concrete jungle. I need to see the stars at night, breathe fresh air, and enjoy open spaces.

This trip was also the maiden voyage of my tent and sleeping bag - I'm proud to say they performed very well! One day I want to drive north up PCH, and I was planning to just take my tent and sleeping bag instead of having to pay for hotel rooms every night. I think this will work out quite nicely.

After we pitched our tents and gathered some firewood, we went for a hike on Lightning Trail. This took us to through the woods and spit us out on the top of a hill. The view was amazing! We were looking down upon the most beautiful little meadow, and we could see the rest of the forest stretching out before us. There was also a crazy-looking dome behind a security fence. Being the trouble-maker I am, I hopped the fence - barbed wire and all. Dan eventually followed suit, and tried to pick the lock on the door. I was hoping the he would succeed because I wanted to walk down the stairs and see what secrets the alien dome held, even though it was probably something completely normal. Like a water holding tank.

But, Dan wasn't able to trip up the security pin, so we scaled the fence a second time and came back down the mountain.

Later we went on a quest to find the unbelievably beautiful meadow we saw from on high. And find it we did! It was serenity in the purest form. After a bit of a walk along a trail, I split off from the group and stepped off the beaten path. Then I laid down in the grass, stared at the sky, and absorbed the soothing sounds and smells of nature: the wind in the trees & the tall grass; the birds overhead; the clean, fresh air; the aroma of pine. I wish I could experience that every day when I step out of my door.
This amazing and remarkable day eventually came to close. Dan and I lit a fire (finally!) and heated Sally's awesome Campfire Beans, and the drinking ensued. It was a great close to a great day. Oh - until I woke up sobbing in pain because my tooth was throbbing. I woke up my camping buddies, and probably a neighboring campsite. Sally and Alycia rounded up some asprin, and with the left-over whiskey I managed to numb my gums. What great timing, huh? Me with no job and no dental insurance.

But things will get better - a welcome turn of events will occur soon - and until then I know I can tough it out. I'm wondering if this chain of events is a sign for me to make a change in my life. Maybe the economy going to shit and me losing my job is the universe's way of telling me to get out of California? I mean, I've been considering it for some time now. Portland is my first choice, but now I'm thinking more family-oriented moves. Minnesota. Texas. Kentucky. Portland would be more for me - that move would be me proving to myself I can take care of myself and I don't need to depend on others.

Maybe I'm just not ready for that. 24 yrs old is still pretty young - I just thought I'd be in a different place by now. Still, I guess life never gives us what we expect, does it? I wonder what tomorrow will show me...

I wonder what I'll learn about my own happiness. :)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Economy = CRAPFEST

The universe always seems to throw a curveball when I need it the least. I'm characteristically very happy and chipper - a real "glass is half full" kind of perspective. But lately, I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep that attitude and outlook, and this is when I need it the most.

Last Friday I got laid off, and since then I've been combing thru online postings looking for jobs: desk jobs, modeling jobs, restaurant jobs...anything really. I hope something pulls through soon. This really couldn't have happened at a worse time. Not only do I not have any savings, but if I don't find some source of income soon, I won't be able to pay rent next month. Lately, I've been considering jobs I never would've bothered with before - like selling my eggs. My freaking eggs!!! Although it would be a quick way to make about $10 Gs, I can't quite bring myself to hand my DNA over to other people. It's just too weird of a concept for me to really grasp right now. I mean, it's noble to help out a couple that desperately want a baby, but I can't quite talk myself into it. (And I secretly think that the world couldn't handle more than one of me at this time.)

This job-hunting is all very frustrating, but I know that I'm not the only one struggling right now, and I also know things really aren't that bad for me. I have a great circle of friends who are very supportive and family members in several states that would take me in at a moment's notice.

Besides, I know that every thing happens for a reason, and I really believe that everything will work out exactly as it should. I just wish it would all fall into place a little faster. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's kind of a shitty situation. Seems I'm in some kind of funk, and I don't like it. I don't like not being able to take care of myself - I don't like feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday I had to remind myself that there are still a few things within my control, such as my mood and my efforts, so it's not a completely hopeless situation. Plus, I've always said that positive thoughts manifest themselves into positive energy & events. How big of a hypocrite would I be if I didn't take my own advice? Huge.

Also on my list of things-that-I-hope-pull-through is Lingerie Football. I'm hoping that the San Diego Seduction will hit me back and give me a chance to try-out. I used to play full tackle football with the guys, so I know I could take the hits and deliver some neck-poppers myself. The only thing I'm worried about is that I won't be gorgeous enough to make it. I'm girl-next-door-pretty; not a bombshell by any means. But fingers crossed!!

Friday I went hiking to the Three Sisters waterfalls near Julian to do a photoshoot. I had a great time, but the water was so cold! I'm expecting the photos to come back in about a week. Erik, the photographer at the falls, was also a photographer at a corset shoot I did last weekend and he gave me a CD with the pics he took.

This corset was cinched up so tightly, that I could hardly breathe! I don't know how women survived 100 years ago. They told me that the last model to wear this corset passed out, and when I was still conscious after 25 minutes, they said I was a trooper. Damn straight!

Corset Shoot

I created a page on Facebook to post my modeling pics until I get my website up and running. You can check them out here:

P.S. The Beatles' music is timeless.